Campground Comedy, Episode 3

A Limited Invitation

Nobody remembered hiring anyone.

That was the first problem. The second problem was that the new people had name badges. And the third problem was that Deadpan had noticed.

The New Hires

Deadpan studied the new arrivals. “Am I getting a pink slip?”

“Why would you assume that?” Jo asked.

“New hires.”

Crow looked across the room. “Evidence does not support that conclusion.”

“Yet.”

Wolf offered the established procedure. “Observe. Pause. Discern. Choose.”

Deadpan considered his options. “I chose unemployment.”

Louise consulted her clipboard. “There are no pink slips on today’s agenda.”

Deadpan looked at her. “Today’s.”

Apparently Deadpan had entered the House of Assumptions without authorization.

“Nobody hired anybody,” Jo said.

Louise raised the clipboard. “Technically...”

Jo looked at her. “Who are you?”

“Louise.”

“Jeez.”

A thought bubble appeared.

JEEZ.

Louise looked up. “Yes?”

“I didn’t call you.”

“You just did.”

“I said Jeez.”

“Exactly.”

Rabbit adjusted her glasses. “Who’s Jeez?”

The thought bubble appeared again.

JEEZ.

Louise pointed. “That’s Jeez.”

Rabbit looked from the thought bubble to the clipboard. “Then who’s Louise?”

“I am.”

“Jeez.”

“YES?”

Monty clicked.

“Monty, don’t write that down,” Max said.

Monty continued writing.

Too late.

No eraser.

Orientation

It turned out Louise was related to Monty.

This explained absolutely nothing.

Louise glanced at him. “You still don’t have an eraser?”

Monty looked at the clipboard. “You still use checkboxes?”

Louise straightened her papers. “I made a list.”

Rabbit immediately objected. “I hate lists.”

“You should meet my cousin.”

“Why?”

“His name is ExCel.”

Rabbit stared at her. “Absolutely not.”

“I heard there was data,” ExCel announced.

“Nobody said data.”

“I have columns.”

“That’s worse.”

Charlene perked up. “Does one of them say Senior Discount?”

“Column G.”

“I like him.”

Rabbit sighed. “Fine.”

A piece of sandpaper looked up.

“Yes?”

Rabbit froze. “I DIDN’T CALL YOU.”

“Fine.”

“STOP THAT.”

Louise checked another box. “Cleaning supplies. Dollar General.”

“Present,” said Broom.

“Present,” said Deadpan.

Louise continued. “Mop?”

A string mop raised his handle. “Present.”

Broom became very quiet.

Louise glanced at him. “Previous employment?”

“Group home.”

“Duties?”

“Cleaning. Mostly.”

Deadpan looked over. “Mostly?”

Broom stared into the distance. “Sometimes, late at night, I can still hear the cries from the closet.”

Silence.

Rabbit finally asked, “What was in the closet?”

“Other brooms.”

Louise slowly lowered the clipboard. “I’m leaving that section blank.”

Mop tried to help. “You have to let that go.”

Broom turned toward him. “Easy for you to say.”

“I’ve been waterboarded.”

Deadpan nodded. “Technically true.”

From somewhere across the room came a voice.

“WHO LEFT ME OPEN?”

Everyone looked toward the House of Words cabinet.

Rabbit shrugged. “You’re practically closed.”

Drawers was horrified. “There is no practically closed.”

ExCel examined the opening. “Three-sixteenths of an inch.”

“THANK YOU.”

Rabbit looked around the room. “I hate this family.”

Monty clicked.

Again.

The Invitation

Then the mail arrived.

Max held up a gold envelope. “It’s official.”

“Let me see that.”

“Careful. Gold invitation.”

Jo examined it. “From a campground.”

“Campground Comedy.”

“Is that actually embossed?”

“Apparently they have a stationery budget.”

Jo turned it over. “What’s it written on?”

“Card stock.”

“Good.”

Max looked at her. “Why?”

“No invitations written on toilet paper.”

Max opened it.

The Rabbit Hole cast had been invited to make a limited guest appearance at Campground Comedy.

Max looked at the invitation.

Then at the room.

Then back at the invitation.

“Jo, this says limited number of guests.”

Jo looked around.

Rabbit. Crow. Wolf. Plate Spinner. Charlene. Broom. Deadpan. Monty.

Louise.

ExCel.

Fine.

Mop.

“Define limited.”

ExCel raised a hand. “I can make a spreadsheet.”

“NO!” everyone answered.

There were going to have to be rules.

“Everybody puts on their best duds and doodads,” Jo announced. “We are representing the Rabbit Hole.”

Rabbit reached toward the craft supplies.

“No.”

Rabbit froze. “I didn’t do anything.”

“Red felt and googly eyes stay here.”

“What if there’s an emergency?”

Wolf answered, “There is no googly-eye emergency.”

Rabbit shook her head. “That’s exactly what somebody says right before a googly-eye emergency.”

“Presentable!”

Louise lifted the clipboard. “Should I make a list of prohibited items?”

“I hate lists.”

Louise looked toward ExCel.

Rabbit pointed at her.

“DON’T.”

Loading Wanderlust

Getting everybody into Wanderlust was not covered by the invitation.

“Broom, you’re in back,” Jo said.

“Absolutely not.”

“Why?”

“Closet issues.”

Mop sighed. “Let it go.”

Broom turned on him. “You’ve been waterboarded. You don’t get a vote.”

“Repeatedly.”

Deadpan was already tired. “Can we leave now?”

Louise began taking attendance. Rabbit was present. Crow declined to answer but was clearly visible. Wolf was present. Plate Spinner was difficult to count. Charlene wanted to know whether Campground Comedy offered a senior discount.

Then Jo looked at Wanderlust.

Then at Max.

“Max, before we leave, we may need to stop at the scales.”

“Why?”

Jo gestured toward Wanderlust.

Max looked.

Passengers. Luggage. Snacks. Cameras. Best duds. Doodads. One mop. One broom. A clipboard. A spreadsheet. And a suspicious amount of camping equipment.

“Fair point.”

Louise immediately said, “I’ll add it to the list.”

Rabbit groaned. “I hate lists.”

ExCel brightened. “I can calculate axle weight.”

“Nobody asked you.”

Fine looked up. “Fine.”

“NOT YOU EITHER.”

JEEZ.

Louise looked around. “I’m already here.”

Eventually the doors closed.

Jo faced the passengers. “Listen carefully. Campground Comedy has graciously extended a limited invitation. You are guests. Rabbit Hole PG rules remain in effect. No unauthorized crafts. No altering campground signs. No wandering off.”

Rabbit raised a paw. “Where are we going?”

“Campground Comedy.”

“But where is that?”

A pause.

Rabbit smiled.

“Wherever where is!”

Monty clicked.

“Drive.”

Waiting in the Wings

Campground Comedy had an outdoor stage tucked into the forest. The crew waited just beyond the lights in their best duds and doodads.

Presentable.

Mostly.

Rabbit peeked toward the stage. “Are these the wings?”

Crow looked at the trees. “Trees.”

“Outdoor wings.”

Wolf reminded her, “Stay here until we’re introduced.”

“How will we know?”

Louise checked her clipboard. “It’s on the schedule.”

Rabbit frowned. “I hate schedules.”

“Would you prefer a list?”

“I hate lists.”

Louise glanced toward ExCel.

“DON’T.”

Then they heard it from the stage.

“And now, visiting us from the Rabbit Hole...”

Everyone straightened.

“Remember. Presentable,” Jo whispered.

Max added, “PG rules.”

Jo looked at Rabbit.

“What’s in your pocket?”

“Nothing.”

“Rabbit.”

Very slowly, Rabbit removed one googly eye.

“Emergency.”

Wolf closed his eyes.

“Literary restraint.”

Campground Comedy

The crew walked onto the outdoor stage to applause. Jo took the microphone.

Max picked up the guitar.

Jo looked at him.

“Max, why did you bring the guitar?”

“Campground Comedy.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

“It does where I come from.”

Rabbit leaned toward him. “Do you take requests?”

“No.”

A voice came from somewhere offstage.

“Excellent policy.”

Jo looked toward the trees. “Who was that?”

Max answered, “Applicant.”

“We are not hiring.”

Monty clicked.

Too late.

Rabbit stepped toward the microphone. “We’d like to thank the Campground Comedy Drawer for the limited invitation.”

Crow nodded. “We appreciate your hospitality.”

Wolf added, “And your relaxed language standards.”

Rabbit leaned closer to the microphone. “And we’d like to invite everybody to come visit us in the Rabbit Hole.”

Charlene had one concern. “Is there a senior discount?”

“It’s FREE, Charlene.”

Charlene smiled. “That’s my favorite discount.”

Rabbit turned back toward the audience.

“We hand out free shit!”

Silence.

Wolf slowly turned.

“PG.”

Rabbit corrected herself.

“STUFF! We hand out free stuff.”

Deadpan nodded. “Strong recovery.”

Rabbit continued. “Certificates. Coloring pages. Questionable directions.”

Louise added, “And forms.”

“Nobody wants your forms.”

ExCel raised his hand. “I have spreadsheets.”

“Nobody wants those either.”

Fine looked up.

“Fine.”

Rabbit closed her eyes.

“I swear...”

Wolf cleared his throat.

“PG.”

Rabbit opened her eyes.

“Wherever where is.”

After the Show

Later, everyone gathered around the fire beside Wanderlust.

The limited guest appearance had somehow been completed. Nobody had been arrested. The PG rules had survived.

Mostly.

Max still had the guitar. Jo had coffee. Rabbit had somehow reacquired the emergency googly eye. Broom remained safely in the open. Mop stayed away from the water bucket. Louise was still making notes. ExCel was calculating something nobody had requested.

Fine was fine.

Deadpan looked toward Jo. “So I’m not getting a pink slip?”

“No.”

“Good.”

Crow tilted his head. “You constructed an entire story without evidence.”

“I know.”

Wolf reminded him, “Observe. Pause. Discern. Choose.”

Deadpan thought about it.

“I chose wrong.”

Jo looked at him. “And then?”

Another pause.

“Choose again.”

Monty clicked.

Jo looked toward him.

“That’s worth keeping.”

Monty wrote it down.

The fire crackled.

For approximately seven seconds, everything was peaceful.

Back at the House of Words, one drawer sat open.

Just slightly.

Three-sixteenths of an inch, according to ExCel.

And from somewhere in the darkness came a voice:

“WHO DIDN’T CLOSE THE DRAWER?!”

JEEZ.

END